


Pretending

by Caustic Remedy (xxSilverChaos)



Series: Stories in Progress (Ficlets) [8]
Category: Free!
Genre: Artist Nanase Haruka, Blood and Injury, Firefighter Tachibana Makoto, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealous Yamazaki Sousuke, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Multi, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, One-Sided Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, Police Officer Matsuoka Rin, Police Officer Yamazaki Sousuke, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5095550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxSilverChaos/pseuds/Caustic%20Remedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had all seemed so easy back at the Police academy. They didn’t teach you the pain that came with the job, the lingering regrets and the memories that kept you awake at night. The sight of blood had quickly gone from a hypothetical bad situation to stark and brutal reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretending

**Author's Note:**

> I started out with this planned as a one-shot, but then it kind of grew on me and the idea has stuck around long enough for me to at least get a basic idea for a plot. I'm not sure yet how often this will be updated, but I'll try.
> 
> Not Beta'd. Sporadic updates. Implied Violence and Attempted Suicide, you've been warned.

It was always easier to imagine that the things in his dreams were only that, images that his brain had come up with and that he had no control over. It would be so easy to just close his eyes again, to dismiss the visions of blood as nothing but nameless horror after a night of movies and drinking. Yet the screams were too familiar and far too painful. Darkness lurked on the edges of his thoughts.

Turning, he pulled the blankets higher and buried further into the comfort of his bed. The red light of his alarm clock flashing the numbers for 2 in the morning. Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes again and sighed. It was the same thing every morning and he was so tired. Flashes of red and black painted the back of his eyelids. Releasing a rush of air, he knew it was pointless now to try and go back to sleep.

Hiding from the darkness in his own thoughts was something he’d given up trying to do a long time ago. With a huffed breath, he let cyan blue eyes drift open and blinked away the tired ache and the pain in his head. Pushing himself up, he raised a hand to black hair and pushed it back away from his eyes. Scrubbing at his face, he could almost feel the dark sore circles under them growing. The sheets pooled at his waist, bare chest exposed to the cool night air and it was almost a comfort.

Lowering his head into his hands, he breathed out again, the sound shaky despite the returning calm of his mind. Bringing his knees up to his chest, he felt pathetic for minutes at a time. It had all seemed so easy back at the Police academy. They didn’t teach you the pain that came with the job, the lingering regrets and the memories that kept you awake at night. The sight of blood had quickly gone from a hypothetical bad situation to stark and brutal reality.

He kept thinking of them..the little girl he couldn’t save, the innocent teen raped and murdered in the streets, the elderly gentleman that had simply been in the wrong place, at the wrong time. The faces of all the people he couldn’t save, protect. He was a police officer and one of the best. One they liked to boast about and whom they trusted to keep them safe, but he just wasn’t strong enough.

Not registering the tears in his eyes until they’d stained his fingertips, he choked back a bitter laugh. He'd thought losing everything he’d ever dreamed of had been one of the worst moments in his life. Finding out he’d never be able to follow Rin, that he’d be left behind as he ran off with Nanase again.. he’d thought he’d cried enough tears then and had no more to give the world. Yet here he was. The goals he’d set out to accomplish lying meaningless at the feet of someone already far too jaded to appreciate what life had given him.

A great promotion, a snazzy apartment, and a hefty pay.. things that normal people would kill for and for what? There wasn’t a single thing that could replace the hollow that swimming had left behind. The dream was stolen from him so early. There was nothing to soothe the ache of his new job with it’s new horrors. He was just as alone, just as empty, just as broken as he'd been then.

The buzz of a phone shattered the painful silence and echoed in the room, the only sound to accompany his breathing. It buzzed again and the screen flashed ‘Work’ at him. For a hesitant second he felt his hand raise to answer it.. then the blood on his hands glistened, the sickening scent of it filling his nose and the hand dropped limply to the bed. The phone buzzed again and again and he blocked out the sound with his hands to his ears.

It finally fell silent and the darkness of the room returned, feeling heavier now and far more oppressing. His breathing had picked up again, ragged and uneven. Sinking into himself, he curled up tighter, ignoring the twinge of pain his shoulder gave at the uncomfortably tense position. What felt like seconds later the phone rang again, the tone softer this time, a melody he recognized instantly. Rin.

Reaching for it, he stared at the screen name and held it inches from his face, wanting nothing more than to answer and hear the others voice asking him where he was with that annoyed and angry yell. The concern and worry clear even as he bitched and moaned about him skipping out of work again. He didn’t answer. It rang again, the caller insistent and he did nothing but hold the phone in a crushing grip.

Rin with blood stained lips, reaching out to him with that familiar smile and a fist just waiting to be bumped. Ignorant of the pool of red spreading around him, the knife sticking into his back and out of his chest wider than Sousuke’s forearm.. he swallowed thickly past the lump in his throat and shook the thought away. A nightmare, just another vivid nightmare..

A voice message, his phone beeped at him, before falling silent. He couldn’t loosen his grip even with the desperation he felt, wanting to hear his friend’s voice. That grumble of anger that told him that Rin was alive. Alive and not dead somewhere, not lying in a pool filled with red red red. Nanase and Rin were in Australia, visiting Rin’s family, celebrating. They were both safe. An ache settled in his heart that had nothing to do with fear and he breathed in and out rapidly.

His head felt dizzy and he wished he was still asleep.

Turning his head to the red flashing in the corner of his eyes, he was surprised to see they read 7 am. Eyes shutting tightly in defeat, he wondered if time would go by more quickly if he just sat here quietly. Exhausted by his own thoughts, he thought of maybe getting up. Eating something.. though he wasn’t hungry and the very thought of food disgusted him. The scent of decay drifting past his nose sharply at the mere idea of ingesting anything. Wondering when the last time he ate something was, he slowly unclenched his body and sprawled back out on his bed, eyes staring into the darkness and the direction he assumed was the ceiling.

Blanket knocked to the floor and sheets tangled around his legs, he lay motionless for what felt like hours. His focus on the sound of his heart in his ears and the blood rushing through his veins. It was somehow soothing and terrifying at the same time. He must have dozed off at some point in time because when he next opened his eyes, the sun which had been dim through his thick curtains, now painted them with edges of gold and white. Sleep made his eyes heavy and his mouth was full of cotton, throat aching and burning with the urge to be sick. His stomach complained for a moment before falling silent as he pressed his face back into the fluff of his pillows, wondering how long he’d need to wait before suffocating..

Thoughts like that weren’t new, but on some level terrified him. The idea that he wanted to give up so easily, that it would be simple to just stop breathing, he couldn't.. couldn’t just stop everything. Picking himself up after the last failed attempt, the blood on his hands then was so calming. The pain of his shoulder gone in the sting of cuts littering his wrists. Some too shallow to draw blood, others gushing with the red liquid. The scent then was washed away by the water pounding down on him from the shower head above, drowning out the sound of his slowing breaths as he turned his face to the water and wished that he’d found an easier way.

He thought he’d found peace then, in that blood stained tub. Finally, he had thought, finally.. no more swimming, no more Rin.. no more Sousuke. It was better that way.. but the pounding at his door, the cry of Sousuke’s name from a familiar voice that seemed so far away.. he wondered who would interrupt his last moments. The door had swung open harshly as if forced past its breaking point and green swam into his vision. A bright sparkling green and a harsh broken cry of ‘Oh god’..

Snapping back to the present, he found he was gasping for air and feeling light headed. Jerking back from the pillow that now seemed to hold far too many dark promises, he sat up. The temptation was a heady thing and he felt the urge to move again. Dragging his protesting legs free of the tangle of sheets, he pulled his tired body out of bed. Stumbling, he reached for the edge of his night table and ignored the clatter of his possessions falling to the floor as he braced himself. The pull on his shoulder caused him to grunt in pain and he straightened inch by agonizing inch.

The bathroom was just a few paces away and he wavered in place before walking towards it on now slightly steadier legs. The edge of a door frame under his palm, he fumbled for the lights inside and winced when they seemed to burn in his eyes. The place was relatively tidy compared to his bedroom and he moved towards the sink, turning the knobs for a warm setting of water to splash on his face. He avoided looking too closely in the the mirror hanging above it, the smudge of bruised eyes and the stubble on his face more than enough to deter him.

Fingers were trembling as he brought them to the back of his neck, rubbing the water into his skin. It wasn’t enough to wake him up. Turning his head to peer at the tub behind him, he let out a sigh. Eyes fell to the tiled floor beneath his feet before closing in tired resignation. Stripping and tossing the clothing into a pile on the floor, he headed over to twist the knobs on the wall. The spray of water was loud in the previous silence and calming in a way that he couldn’t quite describe. Adjusting the water to a comfortable temperature, he slipped past the glass doors and with a click, slid them shut to keep water from escaping.

Standing of the spray, he felt as if he could breathe a little easier. The trembling in his fingers stilled and he seemed a little steadier on his feet. Turning his face up, the water fell like rain against his skin. It was almost cleansing, as if everything that had bothered him could just be washed away. Though the memories tugged at him, the feeling of water so familiar in that dark place in his mind. 


End file.
